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I Would Be a Biggest Octopus Lyrics
Logan Uncle Whitehurst This is me at age 3, being interviewed by my mom, Jan. I sound like a cartoon kid to me... The Man From Atlantis The man from Atlantis came to our class today We had to stop talking just to hear what he had to say He looked straight into my eyes and he pointed his webby hand He said, "I come from the fabled underwater land." His utility belt had a light that kept flashing on and off You should have come to see the man from Atlantis (His skin was slimy and he had no toes) You could have come to see the man from Atlantis (Strangest little fish man I've ever known) I asked him where Atlantis was today He rolled his eyes and said, "It's underneath the sea." I said, "I wanna be a fishman just like you." He said, "Well, this is all you have to do: Get a utility belt with a light that keeps flashing on and off." You should have been there for the man from Atlantis (His skin was slimy and his gills were green) You could have been there for the man from Atlantis (Strangest little fishman I've ever seen) That's what I wanna be when I grow up A fishman just like him I want webbed fingers and a set of gills And scales instead of skin I'll be the man from Atlantis for you I'll be the man from Atlantis for you He said, "Before I leave you, this is what I ask..." Then he took off his mask and he looked around the class He said, "I'm not from Atlantis, I'm from the USA And NEVER DO DRUGS is the message I have to say." But everyone was looking at the light that kept flashing on and off It's not my job to be the man from Atlantis (I'm a human being) It's not my job to be the man from Atlantis (Strangest little fellow you've ever seen) That's what I wanna be when I grow up A fishman just like him I wanna harvest a seaweed crop And never do drugs Never do drugs Never do drugs Never do drugs I'll be the man from Atlantis for you I'll be the man from Atlantis for you Because I love you Strange Mr. Gregor Strange Mr. Gregor in apartment 13 He can't keep his mind on his work It seems that his brain took his arms and his legs And is wandering down to the store Strange Mr. Gregor likes his brain too much for his own good So he takes a back seat to his cerebral cortex And that's where he stays put 'Strange Mr. Gregor, he thinks too much' Is what his acquaintances say He postulates, theorizes, contemplates, analyzes, Sits alone and argues with himself Strange Mr. Gregor likes his brain too much for his own good It's a sad, sad world where an intelligent man Can find more peace in his head than his home Tell me, Mr. Gregor, is there life on Mars? I don't really know Tell me, does it flourish 'round distant stars? I'm not really sure Strange Mr. Gregor, can you see the future of society? No I can't, but I'll tell you this: In prepared muffin tins, divide one half Evenly, among eight muffin cups. I Hear The Hiss What's strange about this four-track test is that when I finally got my master cd back from the guy, he had eliminated all of the hiss with some noise reduction. Jerko. Now I sound stupid. We Want to Rule the World We want to rule the world We want to make you eat mayonnaise in your sleep We want control of your t.v.'s We want to make you wear the same underwear for a week We're not your average human beings, no We're Afgabladdesnabbits from the planet Queep We want to rule the world We want to weave your children into a giant quilt We would use it at bedtime We'd even use the fat ones as Scottish kilts We're not your average human beings, no We're Wingerwangerwongers from the planet Wilt [Combined verses] We're not your average human beings, no We're shuihlikhkj.bnc from the planet 'ifwj" We're not your average human beings, no We're dingeno;oinx222nmio from the planet vnoie; We're not your average human beings, no We're dfyuo;i'iljw from the planet njejkfjwfojnweoj This song was written in 1991 by Austin Roelofs and me. We recorded it into a little tape recorder when I was thirteen. This is my 1997 remake. Happy Noodle v. Sad Noodle Happy Noodle led the sort of life the working stiff dreams about; driving a Studebaker, making pies with his wife, taking a dip in the old swimmin' hole. Yessir, Happy Noodle had it good and he wasn't complaining. He always waved and smiled and tipped his hat and said Nice weather we're having (regard- less of the weather). Now, as most protag- onists do, he had an antagonist, a polar opposite, bent on nullifying his happy ex- istence. His name was Sad Noodle; a pathetic excuse for an egg-and-flour mixture (with a little extra water, just for tears). He worked in a successful firm and was under a lot of stress, and this is the story of their ultimate battle. Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle Happy Noodle versus Sad, Sad Noodle Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle Happy Noodle versus Sad, Sad Noodle One day, as Happy Noodle was out mowing the lawn, an Edsel pulled up in front of the house. It was Sad Noodle. He leaned his ropy head out the window and said --Look, Happy Noodle: I'm sick of being your polar opposite. You know, sad all the time and what-not. It makes it hard to get along. I've come to challenge you to a duel to the death.-- So Happy Noodle put down his mower and obliged, saying --If it'll make you happy!-- and Sad Noodle cringed. He hopped into the back seat and they were off to the gravel pit, Happy Noodle singing all the way and Sad Noodle driving like a madman. --This'll end it all!-- thought Sad Noodle, and they prepared for the fight. Strange sight: two noodles standing face to face, one smiling and one frowning. Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle... Thinking on his feet, Sad Noodle used his head As a whip and tried to trip Happy Noodle but he slipped And he flipped face-first on the ground with a sound Like a wet noodle slapping the ground kind of sound Then Happy Noodle wrapped Sad Noodle up around a tree, said See Sad Noodle, dont'cha mess with me 'cause I be the baddest Noodle There will ever be! I'm happy! Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle... So after Happy Noodle untied Sad Noodle, they got back in the car. Sad Noodle, defeated, dejected, depressed, dropped Happy Noodle off at his door and said --You know what? I don't think that helped me very much.-- And Happy Noodle said --Sad Noodle, why don't you come in for some pie?-- And Sad Noodle said --No, I'm sorry. I don't like pie all that much, but thanks all the same.-- Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle... Hey Nonnie Remix Thankena-thank you Do what we want Thankena-thank you Do what we want We just wanna thank everybody We just we just We just wanna thank everybody Thankena-thank you for makin us Thankena-thank you for makin us We can play these mellow and Do what we want We can play these mellow and Do what we want Hey nonnie nonnie nonnie ooo aaa Silence! These are some samples of my friends Ryan and Dominic from a show we played at the Phoenix Theater as a band called Nod in 1996. How Was Your Day? Hey, how's it going Hey, how was your day Hey, how's it going Hey, go away! Hey, what's that you got there? Hey, it looks like a gun Hey, I'm sorry I offended you Hey, I'm gonna run! Hey, gonna stop running now Hey, gonna catch my breath Hey, gonna be a man now Hey, gonna meet my death Do do do doooo! Cha! Rockabye Baby Boy, could I sing. I sang the alphabet, too. And I forgot the letter Z, so I said V again. Fission or Fusion Fission or fusion (4x) Fission: a nuclear reaction in which a single atom dwindles in coherency and splits apart in an explosion (total degradation, particles in motion) with the evolution of about a hundred million electron volts of energy. So, you see that we have the capacity to cause a nuclear chain reaction in a fraction of the time it takes to blink your eye to annihilate a bit of our reality, and make way for the freedom of humanity. It's the conversion of matter to energy. MC squared must equal E. CHORUS: Lemme hear you say fission Rock the house Lemme hear you say fusion Rock the house Lemme hear you say fission Rock the house Lemme hear you say fusion Rock the house Fusion: from the Latin, fusio, which means a melting, of the protons and the neutrons of two atoms in an opposite reaction to the nuclear reaction called fission in that, instead of blowing apart, the atoms start to coalesce in the best way that they can and they slam into each other. (A microscopic mosh pit for the subatomic.) And they stick together and continue on forever indefinitely, releasing tons of energy, and the heat and the light of the land of the free, and blowing the hell out of our enemy. CHORUS Fission or fusion (4x) I had already had a hit with the math song, "The Standard Metric System," and I have always been on a sort of Schoolhouse Rock/The Letter People/PBS-Funk kick. And who's gonna add in the part about using nuclear energy to blow up other countries? I am! Bill Nye, here's one for your eye! Surfing in Hell Surf! What a way to spend eternity! You surf now! Toes to the nose on a wave of fire! Hang four. This was supposed to be an instrumental, but I fudged it all by putting lyrics into it. Silly me. Oh well, at least they're appropriate lyrics. Alphabet Sound Check ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP QRS TUV WX Y and Z Now I know my ABC's Next time won't you sing with me? Right now! abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy and z abcdefg and 1 2 3 and 7, too! hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo train. That's just what it is. I bought the new four-track in 1997 and I wanted to test the tracks. Aye, sing along everyone. Not My Atom Bomb I have never ever seen such a messed up Crayon collection in my entire life I have never ever been to the cave in the Bottom of the valley of the mercenary mice I have never ever heard of a bamboo corrector With electrical apostrophes attached I have never ever loved anybody with a fire In my belley and a bellybutton match CHORUS: I cannot be counted on to return to my place of rest I am not my atom bomb in an underwater test I cannot be counted on to return to my place of rest I am not my atom bomb I have never ever been so alive that my Palomino party couldn't figure up a storm I have never ever fallen asleep at the wheel Of the planet where the rest of us were born I have never ever told anybody of the Danger to the living of the living of the dead I have never ever parted the waters in a Corporate decision of the ruler of my head CHORUS I have never ever been to the south of France With a woman named Maria any more I have never ever spoken aloud in a cold Insurrection of apology before I have never ever lost my repression of the Silver reflection of a switchblade knife I have never ever seen such a messed-up Crayon collection in my entire life CHORUS I am not my atom bomb I am not my atom bomb I am not my atom bomb I am not my Family First By day, it's a legal operation Uncle Enzo's Fish and Fries It was a great day when we set out for this nation And legitimate enterprise But the place gets jumpin on a Saturday night Got the minks got the drinks got the black and white Got 21 stud got fine cigars Got rich folks hoppin outta fancy cars And we roll the bones til we're six feet down And the fuzz don't talk 'cause we own the town Life is grand for the open hand 'Cause we look out for family first Doors close somewhere past eleven thirty And the band begins to swing Lord knows we get downright down and dirty Cosa Nostra means we do Our Thing But the place gets jumpin' on a Saturday night Got the blackjack table and the colored lights Got the big band playin' on the slide trombone We're placin' our bets on the telephone You got twenty on Lucky, seven come eleven Don't apologize or you'll be forgiven Gotta make real good on your solemn word 'Cause we look out for family first Friends Like Bill I have a two-dimensional friend, his name is Bill He's my goodest, bestest friend in the world I traded Bill for a baseball card I wish I had more friends like him CHORUS: When you have friends like Bill Nobody tells you what to do Everybody steps aside and Tells you you can just walk through When you have friends like Bill Everything is absolutely Running like clockwork When you have friends like I have a three-dimensional friend, his name is Lou He's the smartest guy I know in the world He has a plan to get a lot of friends like bill He pulls the trigger and everybody gets on the floor CHORUS Now Lou and I have so many friends like Bill We don't know where to go; we're in a hurry, you see Maybe we'll take our brand-new buddies On a roadtrip down to beautiful Mexico (Dos cervezas y la cuenta, por favor!) CHORUS CHORUS Can you guess what this song is about? If I had more friends like Bill, I'd get a Rhythm King drum machine from the 70's, just like the one I borrowed from Andrew Dragonetti to do this drum track. Ding Dong (Whatever!) ACT ONE: Ding dong! Whatever. ACT TWO: When you're born you can't move at all Then you learn to crawl (on your hands and knees) Then you learn to walk when you're one Then perhaps you learn to run Then you learn to drive a car You learn that it takes you very far But you learn too late There's no escape Except death ACT THREE: I'm the oldest man on earth I'm older than that tree I'm older than my mother And her mother before she I'm older than the doctor Who delivered grandpa's dad I've outlived everyone I've met Since I was just a lad Ol' Moses was my bowlin' partner He bowled pretty well But I'm still alive and kickin' And he's burnin' down in hell My life has been a good one But it's been a bit too long So I think I'll kill myself right now. ACT FOUR: I don't like what you just said. It was quite offensive. ACT FIVE: The sun is shining in the sky Life is grand and I don't know why The biscuits were good, the toast was divine But just shy of bundt cake is where I draw the line Oh how I love you, you beautiful girl If I loved you more I'd probably hurl Your love is so sweet like blackberry jam Perhaps if I spoke up you'd know who I am ACT SIX: I don't think he deserves to go to that place where the good dogs go cause I don't like my neighbor's dog he smells real bad and he went to the bathroom on my front lawn the other day and I kicked him in his head! I am the president of the ASPCA and I don't like my neighbor's dog cause he wants to sue me now that I kicked him in the head. My neighbor is a lawyer and he taught his dog to read. Stupid. ACT SEVEN: I love you so much, baby. Ding dong. I had about five little ideas for songs that I couldn't work out, so I stuck 'em all up in there together like a big leftovers meatloaf. Recorded in 1998, released later that year on I Would Be a Biggest Octopus, my second cassette release. Farting Angel This afternoon I coughed up green things I danced around and no one would come near me I wondered how long I'd have to fan the air I felt a hot wind from my anus In a small room, no one came to save us And I turned the fan on to no avail Farting Angel come pick my nose and Smack your butt with a rubber hose and Farting Angel come pass your gas And dissipate into a warm, stinky cloud Alone and shivering in the bathrooaaaahhh!! Voy a la Playa Owen and I recorded this as the background music for an answering machine message wherein I pretended to be the manager of Voy a la Playa, The Finest in Non-Denominational Cuisine. We didn't get any messages as long as it was up. People probably thought they had the wrong number. Some Fish! I still remember the Palo Alto Junior Museum. There really were some fish there! No joke! It's true! Wash My Hands It's a bad joke anyway. The Three-Legged Horse I bought me a three-legged packhorse He hobbles and stumbles around I wonder what I was a-drinkin' When I dragged him back home from town CHORUS: The three-legged horse I don't know why I buyed him You can lead him to water But you can't make him drown The three-legged horse It's no fun to ride him He walks in a circle And then he falls down He may not be bright, but he's loyal He won't fall on anyone but me Like the legs on a minimalist table There used to be four, now there's--one less than that. CHORUS Mrs. Fenway CHORUS: Mrs. Fenway, me oh my Why'd you have to go and die? Now we have to say goodbye to Mrs. Fenway, Mrs. Fenway The first Mrs. Fenway went to the store Said she'd be back at three or four Got her head caught in the sliding door Now she's not Mrs. Fenway no more CHORUS The second Mrs. Fenway stub her toe At the moving picture show She stumble out into the snow Now she help the flowers grow CHORUS The third Mrs. Fenway was very fat Made the ground shake when she sat She bend over to pet the cat And her buttissimo squash her flat Oh no CHORUS The fourth Mrs. Fenway write her will And she take the sleeping pill Then she jump from the window sill And she land in the rumor mill CHORUS The last Mrs. Fenway stayed at home She was too afraid to roam Mr. Fenway fuss and foam When she choke on the telephone CHORUS Based on the band name, "The Second Mrs. Fenway." Which is a bad band name, I know. But it's a good song title. The whole thing came to me in a flash in my car, which blinded me and caused me to run into the sixth Mrs. Fenway. If only I had known who she was at the time. Tsk, tsk, tsk. My Number is F'Jini My hat is large My pants are big My shirt is yellow My clothes don't fit My cat is large My pants fall down My telephone is ringing My head is yellow My number is fff'jineee... Unshake It I wonder if the earthquake would knock on the door, or what. Captain Pete's Slide Show I like that Captain Pete knows how to crochet a placemat. The Death of Sid Sheinberg Sid Sheinberg is one of my recurring characters. He is the consummate bad old lounge singer. This is the story of his latest death and his latest meeting with Satan. |
