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How Does an Electrostatic Motor Work? Lyrics
How Does an Electrostatic Motor Work? The album needed an introduction. I felt it would be important to the future of humanity to destroy a beer-drinking record. Prosthetic Brain I could be a politician Roll my socks up and go fishin' Put my money in a box and bury it forever I could be a television Turn me on while you are fishin' Listen to the weatherman and learn about the weather CHORUS: Prosthetic brain Running backwards in the rain Like a train Going back to where it came from Empty now and lighter than it once was A fine analogy I could be a mastodon Run around with nothing on Living like an icicle, a frozen stick of water I could be a brontosaurus Much too big to use the door-us Making songs and chewing on a frozen stick of water CHORUS This is my synaptic artificiality, you see CHORUS (3x) (Locomotive, coal car, dining car, sleeping car) (Empty now and lighter for the places it has been) There are about nine vocal tracks on this song. It also marks the first time I've ever used a tuba for the bassline. One of my favorites. Waffle of Death We'll all have fun when the Waffle of Death comes down to the farm We'll all go to our respective afterlives I need a quarter I got to make a telephone call (I can't believe it) The deadly waffle knows exactly Where I am (I just can't believe it) Is it from Belgium? No, no accent It doesn't talk No, it won't say a word The sickening sound of syrup on bone Is the last sound that I ever heard We'll all have fun... I need a quarter... What's that noise? What's that I hear? I get a funny feeling when the waffle is near I lie awake in fright All hours of the night I huddle close to my blue canary nightlight We'll all have fun... Ma I erehw. Yltcaxe swonk elffaw yldaed eht! I am what you might call a refugee From the Unintentional House of Pancakes The Waffle of Death will get me, I'm sure No matter how long it takes We'll all have fun... Ma I erehw! This is now a jam song, but it used to be a weird, scratchy little song on a tiny keyboard. Now it's big and scary. Like King Kong. Monkeys Are Bad People Monkeys can't be trusted with your business They're sneaky and dishonest through and through Monkeys can't speak English, so they can't tell the truth Monkeys are bad people, and so are you Add a K to money, you get monKey Monkey may see, but monkey don't pay his due The love of evolution has its evil, evil roots Monkeys are bad people, and so are you King Kong was a monkey too big to be kept in a zoo Which is not a bad thing, cause he liked to fling Thousand-pound fistfuls of stinky old King-Kong poo Think about the future/What if Charlton Heston is right If the monkeys take over, we'll be their slaves And, frankly, the thought keeps me wide awake at night Monkeys make amore out in public Providing little children with a view They're lewd and they're indecent and there's nothing we can do Monkeys are bad people Monkeys are bad people Monkeys are bad people and so are you My roommate said --Monkeys are bad people-- when my sister asked him why he was shooting a huge monkey in a video game. It seemed to strike a chord, or series of chords, in my head. So I wrote this song. Don't worry, I like monkeys. I just don't want to get beaten up by one. The harmonica solo in the middle I found on an old tape of harmonica solos. It fit so amazingly well. I Am So Important I wrote a letter to the devil And I sealed it in an envelope of fire And when I got it back it burned up all my mail Maybe next time I'll send him a wire CHORUS: I am so important That I'm talking to myself And if I had a quarter I might call someone who cares So we know the moon revolves around the earth And we know the earth is orbiting a star We can tie a string to Saturn's ring and pull it from the sky And collect the stars like fireflies and put them in a jar CHORUS Aah, it's not so hard to sing this song Aah, tell your ears to sing along And when my television fell into the sea I sat down and I wrote a little play About the time my television fell into the ocean And how I had to dive into the waters of the San Francisco bay I think this song came from a deep inner well of sorrow and pain where the gassy monster lives. He smells like eggs. Lizard and Fish Lizard and Fish/Oh, what a pair One lived underwater and the other breathed air On a shelf in a pet store/On aisle thirteen Lizard and Fish would sit together and dream And Lizard said --Fish, how's the water today?-- And Fish said --bubblebubble-- And Lizard said --Somehow, we'll both get away And be a refugee lizard and fish.-- Lizard was bright/He was clever and sly There wasn't an escape routine that he hadn't tried And Fish was a master/Of keeping his cool While dreaming about the day he'd go back to school And Lizard jumped up on the wall of his tank And Fish said --bubblebubble-- And Lizard said --Somehow, we'll get to the riverbank And we can live like a lizard and fish.-- One day there was a fire in the back of the store And all the animals were screaming and squawking And otherwise talking About the terrible stench and the roar Of the flames. Then, suddenly, Lizard and Fish were Grabbed from their homes by P-W H Who was clearing out the burning store and putting all the animals Outside. And Lizard said --Fish, we're finally free!-- And Fish said --bubblebubble-- And they built a rocket and flew to the moon Where they spent their days eating flies a lot And singing about the wonderful day The store burned down and P-W saved them And looking at the stars cause they were really really pretty And living their lives like Lizard and Fish The song music was fully realized before I knew what it was about. I just found myslef singing those words to the music, and I wrote it down. A great song to perform live. (Life Is) Peaches and Cream If I'm a bowl of cherries Then you're a tangerine So I sat right down and I wrote me a song Called (Life Is) Peaches and Cream I say strange things on the telephone When I'm waking from a dream I rectite the lines in the back of my mind Going -life is peaches and cream.- CHORUS: You can try to turn it upside down Or turn it inside out You put your best foot in and you shake it around And that's what it's all about When I flip around the channels All I see upon the screen Is a big blue sign with a single line Saying -life is peaches and cream.- CHORUS And as I go to heaven In the back of my love machine I can hear them say as I fly away Life is peaches and cream I can hear them say as I fly away Life is peaches and cream I liked the chords, so I wrote a song around them. The fact that it turned out to be a swingy country song is due to how well those chords worked with the sounds of the slide guitar. The concertina, strangely enough was mostly able to blurt along for a solo. Popular Popsicle I saw you on t.v. (why don't you love me?) I bought your cd (why don't you love me?) I watched your movie (why don't you love me?) I read your biography (why don't you love me?) A little jingle about idolatry. It's weird how you can feel so close to people you've never met and who don't know you exist. Mr. Pity Mr. Pity/Mr. Pity What a pitifully pitiful man In the city/Mr. Pity Makes a pitiful attempt to live as best as he can He alienates his family And trusts his fate to numerology He nurses his ulcers day and night Another cup of coffee might feel alright An accountant/Counting money And he tries to make his numbers the same When he's got it/He isn't happy Cause he gets to start it over and to do it again A model drone/He marches home And does his banking on the telephone Press one for love/And two for hate And three to get ready or you're gonna be late What a lovely day/The wind is blowing (I hate the government) The clouds are parting for you (I hate the government) Mr. Pity, look up/It's not so bad (I hate the government) The sun is shining through (Ahh) Mr. Pity/Hates the city But he tries to do the best that he can What a pity/Mr. Pity What a Mr. Pity pitifully pitiful man What a Mr. Pity pitifully pitiful man I hate the government This song came to me at the coffee shop where I hang out. I rushed home and noodled with it until four in the morning. By far the best bridge I've ever written. Atomic Stew I grease the skillet all the day I grease it all the night, all right When I sleep I do dream Crisco dreams And wake up Crisco Lite The bacon fries, the baby cries We're being watched by Nazi spies And Chicken Little's passin' by Knockin' me out with those American thighs Dick Nixon livin' in Dixon In Dixieland there's grits you're fixin' Chowdered chitlins vexin' vixen The ladle goes in, it's time for mixin' CHORUS: Atomic Stew, woo hoo hoo Wockachicka wockachicka wockachicka wockachicka Wockachicka wockachicka choo Atomic Stew, woo hoo hoo Rufus is a Pisces and the spice is grabbin' you There's lovin' in the oven And there's pigeon in the fridge Be brave in the cave of the microwave, Dave Slave to the girl named Midge Jello-jigglin' jo-jo dancer Jack wants juicy jelly Brown bread and boston-baked beans Will blacken up your belly Slim Jim Gin, walkin' on tin Tellin' a dirty joke The oven door slams and the temperature rises And the party starts to smoke CHORUS (To add insult to injury, however, we must, so to speak, nip this fish to fry and abjectly continue with our proverbial nipping until we have reached the bud, which represents, to the analytical mind, a conundrum in its purest, most unadulterated form. Put that gun down, you ruffian! Oh bejeezus! Oh!) Have yourself a taste, don't let it go to waste C'mon eat it while it's hot now Gimme a shimmy, gimme a shimmy Show me what you got now The jambalaya jumpin' and the mumbo-jumbo thumpin' Livin' up in the bottom of a pickle jar The vinegar is salty, I just killed Roger Daltry Six feet under par We've got all the latest techno-methods To remove your old tattoo But hey, I say, why throw it away Let's dip it in Atomic Stew CHORUS CHORUS Tal brought it over almost finished, and I helped him write the rest. We busted out the white-boy jives and funked everything up. Killed By Telephones My telephone is ringing like a hammer in my head I wonder --Now, who could that be?-- as I crawl out of bed My life is on the line, and I have to pay the toll He called collect to say he's gonna come collect my soul Killed by telephones CHORUS: I've been killed by telephones I've been killed by telephones All the lines are dead All the lines are dead (We are being specially stupid because stupid is the name of the game of the lame of the name of the) My telephone is ringing, yes it's ringing off the hook My twenty-four hour hotline is startin' in to cook I think my ears are melting, my lips are gonna fry If things get any hotter, man, I think I'm gonna die (yeah, we know how to take the Jack down the throat all day long) Communication satellites are falling from their orbits-it's- It's time to run for cover cause we're gonna go to war-it's- Only hours 'til showers of power's gonna knock down our cellular towers Put away your portable, stop-drop-and-roll, the dirty cowards Have taken over everything/They're sitting in their shelters Where it swelters with the heat of theri computers which are melting While they're telling us that we will all be turned to blackened bones When the lines have all gone dead and we've been killed by telephones We've been killed by telephones (And we're gonna go bowling! Woo! Super bowl! Yeah, yeah, woo!) I like weird noises. Phones make weird noises. I like phones. Phones are deadly. I am scared of them. Farkle!! I like doing comedy bits. This is my chance to do a couple of silly voices. Marie (You're Taller Than Me) M is for Marie A is for the rest of Marie And I don't care what people say to me about Marie I already know Marie is much, much taller than me I want to be the guy on t.v. Who walks right up and says to Marie That I don't care what people say to me about Marie I know that Marie is so much taller, taller than me CHORUS: Marie/You're taller than me And I can see you're taller than me And there are things above my head And you can see them Window--an open and shut casement Turn off the light/I am trying to save face and I don't care what people say to me about Marie Although I can't stand with my arms like this forever CHORUS And when we are alone I'll turn to her and say --Marie I know it may seem rather silly but you know what does it matter Anyway that you're so much taller than me? You're much, much taller than me.-- You're much, much taller than I am. I think I was trying to emulate my bandmates and write a love/frustration song. It worked out well and I didn't have to do it again. Though the vocals could have used an overhaul, the accordion and concertina didn't have strep throat so I kept the song. Big Ed's Body When they find Big Ed's body at the bottom of the creek I don't want to be in town When they come to question all the people on my street I don't want to be around They will search for me They will want to see if I knew Big Ed When they find Big Ed's body at the bottom of the creek My fingers will turn to stone My eyes will perspire and my telephone will ring And spiders will crawl down my bones They will come for me They will find me with my hands on my head When they find Big Ed's body at the bottom of the creek They'll follow him down the road His teeth will be perfect as a porcelain display And no one but I will know I will go to sleep And if I am lucky they'll find me too There's a shop up the road from my house called Big Ed's Auto Body. I see it almost every day. I made some weird song in my head for it, but I don't think they'll use it in any of their ads. Down to the Sea in Ships CHORUS: Oh my Lordy Oh my Lordy Oh my Lordy Goin' down to the sea in ships (2x) When I come home just t'other day (Oh my Lordy) My woman up an' run away (Oh my Lordy) Because of all the games I play (Oh my Lordy Oh, what a ho'ble price to pay (Goin' down to the sea in ships) Oh baby CHORUS I left my home in Tennessee (Oh my Lordy) There were nothin' left for me (Oh my Lordy) I left my life of misery (Oh my Lordy) And ended up down by the sea (Goin' down to the sea in ships) Oh baby CHORUS Oh South side North side East side West (Oh my Lordy) She's the girl that I love best (Oh my Lordy) Love her more than all the rest (Oh my Lordy) Just had to get that off my chest (Goin' down to the sea in ships) Oh baby CHORUS Now that Georgia moon above (Oh my Lordy) She's the one I'm thinkin' of (Oh my Lordy) But she doesn't want my love (Oh my Lordy) So won't you give my boat a shove? (Goin' down to the sea in ships) Oh baby CHORUS (until it gets too high and my voice cracks) Probably my most realistic song, if only because it could have been a gospel standard if I hadn't thought of it first. The song is based on a failed band name. Hello, Fred the Beard What's your name? I'm Fred the Beard. What's your name? I'm Fred the Beard. What's your name? I'm Fred the Beard. Well I ain't never seen a beard with a name like Fred I'm Fred the Beard CHORUS: Hello, Fred the Beard Hello, Fred the Beard Hello, Fred the Beard Hello, Fred the Beard Where do you grow? I grow on your face. Where do you grow? I grow on your face. Where do you grow? I grow on your face. Well I ain't never grown a beard on my face named Fred I'm Fred the Beard--yeah CHORUS What if I shaved? Then I would die. What if I shaved? Then--I would die! What if I shaved? Then I would die...? Well I gotta shave now, Fred the Beard Well, goodbye CHORUS I'm Fred the Beard I'm Fred the Beard I'm Fred the Beard It's difficult to play drums by hand on a keyboard. I know this. I'm okay with this. Guitar solo by Gumby. Let's give it up for Gumby, ladies and gentlemen. Happy Noodle vs. Sad Noodle Happy Noodle led the sort of life the working stiff dreams about; driving a Studebaker, making pies with his wife, taking a dip in the old swimmin' hole. Yessir, Happy Noodle had it good and he wasn't complaining. He always waved and smiled and tipped his hat and said Nice weather we're having (regard- less of the weather). Now, as most protag- onists do, he had an antagonist, a polar opposite, bent on nullifying his happy ex- istence. His name was Sad Noodle; a pathetic excuse for an egg-and-flour mixture (with a little extra water, just for tears). He worked in a successful firm and was under a lot of stress, and this is the story of their ultimate battle. Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle Happy Noodle versus Sad, Sad Noodle Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle Happy Noodle versus Sad, Sad Noodle One day, as Happy Noodle was out mowing the lawn, an Edsel pulled up in front of the house. It was Sad Noodle. He leaned his ropy head out the window and said --Look, Happy Noodle: I'm sick of being your polar opposite. You know, sad all the time and what-not. It makes it hard to get along. I've come to challenge you to a duel to the death.-- So Happy Noodle put down his mower and obliged, saying --If it'll make you happy!-- and Sad Noodle cringed. He hopped into the back seat and they were off to the gravel pit, Happy Noodle singing all the way and Sad Noodle driving like a madman. --This'll end it all!-- thought Sad Noodle, and they prepared for the fight. Strange sight: two noodles standing face to face, one smiling and one frowning. Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle... Thinking on his feet, Sad Noodle used his head As a whip and tried to trip Happy Noodle but he slipped And he flipped face-first on the ground with a sound Like a wet noodle slapping the ground kind of sound Then Happy Noodle wrapped Sad Noodle up around a tree, said See Sad Noodle, dont'cha mess with me 'cause I be the baddest Noodle There will ever be! Because I'm-- Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle... So after Happy Noodle untied Sad Noodle, they got back in the car. Sad Noodle, defeated, dejected, depressed, dropped Happy Noodle off at his door and said --You know what? I don't think that helped me very much.-- And Happy Noodle said --Sad Noodle, why don't you come in for some pie?-- And Sad Noodle said --No, I'm sorry. I don't like pie all that much, but thanks all the same.-- Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle... Vanessa Penn told me to write a song called Happy Noodle vs. Sad Noodle. I said I would. I did. I Like Pez I like Pez I like Pez I like Pez I like Pez I bought a t-shirt and the t-shirt says: I Like Pez This song was recorded live in my bedroom with nine people crammed around one microphone and me on another. The entire band of Luckie Strike (Mel, Liz, Bubba, Dre), most of the band Tsunami Bomb (Emily, Courtney, Dominic), and a couple of friends (Kevin and cousin Aron) helped out. Dedicated to the Pez-man himself, Britt Holland. I wish only to endorse and support this fine confection. End Credits The Geek Rock All-Stars (Bubba from Luckie Strike, myself from Little Tin Frog, Dominic from Tsunami Bomb, and numerous other self-proclaimed Geek-Rockers) were to be as superheroes, each battling crime and apathy through music. This was the theme music for their triumphant return at the beginning of the radio-drama. |
