phooto by Amber Manfree
|HoW TO WRite a HIT SONGE
It hast recnetly come tyoi my atention That there is a dearth of HIT songes on teh radio and on the so-caled MUsioc Chanels on the telviviosn. And some of my friends have made it very clear to ymje that it would be nice if I would just taek a minute or tweo of my busy busy schedule and write a little article about this very poRBlem. baecuS I AM TEH SONGE WRITING MASTRRRR!!! and I can help salve the world's throbing music wound witht my cool and levlheaded avdice.. SO here it is! ISN this article I will outline a few of my HIT spongfwriting techniques for the aspiring music authors in the world out there. Plese forgidve my typing but i havemitens on and i don't know how to take them off for the love of god and all that ist holyy.
My welath of songewrtign knolwedge is plenty big for I Hasve so much epxoerience wirting hit songes for such bands as Hansen (MM-BOrp), Micheal Jkacosn (Beart It, THrilbler,, P.T.Y. and more!!!!!!!! except teh albums after Bad cause those really were), radiohead, KC and the snushnie Band, Eltonjohn, teh bertles, and so many m,ore I could just puke. Yes yes, I realy could. HEre is how I singlehandedly wrote evry good songe in the known histrory of songwriting and still had time to buff up for teh ladies at teh beach.
The main diference between a regular old song and a HIOT SONG is this: more poeple listen to the HIT SONG. it doesn't mater id the HIT SONG is better or worse than the rguler song; all that maters is that more much mor epople hear and buy and sell and steal and sing and make out to the HIT SONG than they do to and for some regluer ol dumb stupid song that isn't worth the air ity wast vibrating in. Take that, INDIE BANDS!
Now, on to the tootoreal!!!
1. WRITE SOM E MUSIC!!
This is the first and morst improtant part!!!! you can hardley have a songe without music, so sit yourself dsonw in fron tof your favportoie musicl a instrument and start playing! My forvite is the hamered diulcimer. wen you have some msuic that is catchy and good, write it down on a peice of paper or record it on your favorite recording device. MY favoirte is the hamered dulcimer. KWONG KWONG!!! putg some drums in it. then put some guiters and a basst and the KWONG!!dulcimer.. you could put some other insturments after those but i think thats enough to start with. you can try to make a song without instruments, but that's just lazy.
2. ADD A TITLE!!
sometimwes I like to think of the name of the song forist, like "ROCK YOUR MAMA," "BOOSCTOOT BOOGIE" "PURPEL HAZE," or anythign that sounds like a funy or inmtersting songe title cause that's what draws them in yousee? MAke it inrtiguing, like you want to listen to the song to see what ist about! Be sutle. Nobody wanst to hear a songe called "THIS IST THE STORY OF HOW I GOT UP TODAY AND WENT TO THE BORING OL DSTORE AND BOUHGT SOME STUFFG AND THGEN I WENT TO TEH BANK TOMAKE A WIRTHDARWL AND WHEN I GOT HOME IT WAS TIME FOR DINER AND I ATE ANSD WATCGED TV ANDWENT TIO BED." freakign avoid that kind of songtitle like teh plauge.
4. MAkWE UP SOME WORSDS FOR IT AND PUT THEM IN!!!!!!
wen coming up witht the words for a hit songe, cmake absolutely sure that the album-byuing public can understand them and relate to htem!!! Don't make a song about how to upgrade the components on your mogrificating desambongulizer cause nobody has one and nobody cares about them. WRIte songs about stuff everybody knows and cares abno0ut aiee: sending emails, lovving girls in bikinis, biting stuf, your new hot rad car, that gren stuff in the bread (boy i hate that when I want a dsandwich and my bread is all moldy!! DOn't you??? I thought oso, see what a good songe topic itswould be???)) and other things like suches.
Take the tiem to make them rhyme. See? It's easy when youre bein' cheesy. its always better when efvery letter is part of a line taht ends in a rhyne. Im so good. Learn from teh master. But sreieously, wehn you make the song lryics rhyme people can remember them better because the brain works like this:
|I should be an ilustrator too as well as the worldsgretaest and most prolific songrtnber.
3. PUT A CHORUS INIT!!!!
everybody know sthe choruis is the catchy part that hapens like ten or twenty times a song and has the catchyest bits in it. ""MMMM-BORP, Doopa doop doop booo borp," escetera. wen I am siting down to put a songetogether I make sure ity hast a chorus that says borp in one way or another. many many times. again, this is all to make the song a HIT SONG!!! the more chruses the beter! In fact, make a songe thgat is NOTHING BUT a chorus if at all possible.
5. PAY EVERYBODY SO MUCH MNONEY THAT THEY PLAY YUOR ASONG ON THE RADIO AND TV COMERCIALS SO MUCH THAT EVERYBODY HEARS IT IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WROLD!!!!
Here is where a lot of songewriters fal short. I wil be blunt witht you: noboyd ever got rich by being poor and that's a fact. you want to have a HIT SONGE??? YOu'd beter have one of two things: either a big old wobbly buttload of cash monies spillin gout of your pockets, OR you have to wirte a songe that is so wonderfully spectucluar taht everybody who hears it actually LOVES it and wants to play it for their friends and singgs it constantly and it is actually GOOD. Choice one is, Unfortunately, teh EAsiest Way. And lord knows, I like things to be easy. so take out a loan, wahsh some cars in teh neighborhood with your shirt offt, sel leminade at a stand on your lawn,, threten some foreign governemtn with nuclear anilihhlatinon, check the sofa for the change, do WHATEVER YOU CANM to get AS MUcH MONEYT for Promotoin as HUMANLY (or snowmanly!) POSIBLE.
then witht any luck, your song will be a HIT! maybe even as big as "Mm-brop!"
understand, teh music industry is not about pormoting the best music. it is about SELING THE MOPST music. nobody ever won any awadrs for truly having the BEST Album. You know why? BECAUSE I, VNAILBLA THEPLADSTCI SNOMWAN WON TEHMN ALL, SO I SHOULD KNOWW11!!!!!!!AAAH HAH HHHAA HEE HEEEE!!!
dilscaimler postscriopt: if anybody usess my patented techniques for hit songrwting and makes a million dolars or more (or les) please remit 120% of the money in umnarked bills to vNaidla the pldatisc msomnwan, BOx 7714, Snowman's Land.