I Would Be a Biggest Octopus Lyrics


Logan Uncle Whitehurst

This is me at age 3, being interviewed by my mom, Jan. I sound like a cartoon kid to me...


The Man From Atlantis

The man from Atlantis came to our class today
We had to stop talking just to hear what he had to say
He looked straight into my eyes and he pointed his webby hand
He said, "I come from the fabled underwater land."
His utility belt had a light that kept flashing on and off

You should have come to see the man from Atlantis
(His skin was slimy and he had no toes)
You could have come to see the man from Atlantis
(Strangest little fish man I've ever known)

I asked him where Atlantis was today
He rolled his eyes and said, "It's underneath the sea."
I said, "I wanna be a fishman just like you."
He said, "Well, this is all you have to do:
Get a utility belt with a light that keeps flashing on and off."

You should have been there for the man from Atlantis
(His skin was slimy and his gills were green)
You could have been there for the man from Atlantis
(Strangest little fishman I've ever seen)

That's what I wanna be when I grow up
A fishman just like him
I want webbed fingers and a set of gills
And scales instead of skin

I'll be the man from Atlantis for you
I'll be the man from Atlantis for you

He said, "Before I leave you, this is what I ask..."
Then he took off his mask and he looked around the class
He said, "I'm not from Atlantis, I'm from the USA
And NEVER DO DRUGS is the message I have to say."
But everyone was looking at the light that kept flashing on and off

It's not my job to be the man from Atlantis
(I'm a human being)
It's not my job to be the man from Atlantis
(Strangest little fellow you've ever seen)

That's what I wanna be when I grow up
A fishman just like him
I wanna harvest a seaweed crop
And never do drugs
Never do drugs
Never do drugs
Never do drugs

I'll be the man from Atlantis for you
I'll be the man from Atlantis for you
Because I love you


Strange Mr. Gregor

Strange Mr. Gregor in apartment 13
He can't keep his mind on his work
It seems that his brain took his arms and his legs
And is wandering down to the store

Strange Mr. Gregor likes his brain too much for his own good
So he takes a back seat to his cerebral cortex
And that's where he stays put

'Strange Mr. Gregor, he thinks too much'
Is what his acquaintances say
He postulates, theorizes, contemplates, analyzes,
Sits alone and argues with himself

Strange Mr. Gregor likes his brain too much for his own good
It's a sad, sad world where an intelligent man
Can find more peace in his head than his home

Tell me, Mr. Gregor, is there life on Mars?
I don't really know
Tell me, does it flourish 'round distant stars?
I'm not really sure
Strange Mr. Gregor, can you see the future of society?
No I can't, but I'll tell you this:
In prepared muffin tins, divide one half
Evenly, among eight muffin cups.


I Hear The Hiss

What's strange about this four-track test is that when I finally got my master cd back from the guy, he had eliminated all of the hiss with some noise reduction. Jerko. Now I sound stupid.


We Want to Rule the World

We want to rule the world
We want to make you eat mayonnaise in your sleep
We want control of your t.v.'s
We want to make you wear the same underwear for a week

We're not your average human beings, no
We're Afgabladdesnabbits from the planet Queep

We want to rule the world
We want to weave your children into a giant quilt
We would use it at bedtime
We'd even use the fat ones as Scottish kilts

We're not your average human beings, no
We're Wingerwangerwongers from the planet Wilt

[Combined verses]

We're not your average human beings, no
We're shuihlikhkj.bnc from the planet 'ifwj"
We're not your average human beings, no
We're dingeno;oinx222nmio from the planet vnoie;
We're not your average human beings, no
We're dfyuo;i'iljw from the planet njejkfjwfojnweoj

This song was written in 1991 by Austin Roelofs and me. We recorded it into a little tape recorder when I was thirteen. This is my 1997 remake.


Happy Noodle v. Sad Noodle

Happy Noodle led the sort of life the working
stiff dreams about; driving a Studebaker,
making pies with his wife, taking a dip in
the old swimmin' hole. Yessir, Happy Noodle
had it good and he wasn't complaining. He
always waved and smiled and tipped his hat
and said Nice weather we're having (regard-
less of the weather). Now, as most protag-
onists do, he had an antagonist, a polar
opposite, bent on nullifying his happy ex-
istence. His name was Sad Noodle; a pathetic
excuse for an egg-and-flour mixture (with a
little extra water, just for tears). He
worked in a successful firm and was under a
lot of stress, and this is the story of their
ultimate battle.

Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle
Happy Noodle versus Sad, Sad Noodle
Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle
Happy Noodle versus Sad, Sad Noodle

One day, as Happy Noodle was out mowing
the lawn, an Edsel pulled up in front of the
house. It was Sad Noodle. He leaned his
ropy head out the window and said --Look,
Happy Noodle: I'm sick of being your polar
opposite. You know, sad all the time and
what-not. It makes it hard to get along.
I've come to challenge you to a duel to the
death.-- So Happy Noodle put down his mower
and obliged, saying --If it'll make you
happy!-- and Sad Noodle cringed. He hopped
into the back seat and they were off to the
gravel pit, Happy Noodle singing all the way
and Sad Noodle driving like a madman.
--This'll end it all!-- thought Sad Noodle,
and they prepared for the fight. Strange
sight: two noodles standing face to face,
one smiling and one frowning.

Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle...

Thinking on his feet, Sad Noodle used his head
As a whip and tried to trip Happy Noodle but he slipped
And he flipped face-first on the ground with a sound
Like a wet noodle slapping the ground kind of sound
Then Happy Noodle wrapped Sad Noodle up around a tree, said See
Sad Noodle, dont'cha mess with me 'cause I be the baddest Noodle
There will ever be! I'm happy!

Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle...

So after Happy Noodle untied Sad Noodle, they
got back in the car. Sad Noodle, defeated,
dejected, depressed, dropped Happy Noodle off
at his door and said --You know what? I
don't think that helped me very much.-- And
Happy Noodle said --Sad Noodle, why don't you
come in for some pie?-- And Sad Noodle said
--No, I'm sorry. I don't like pie all that
much, but thanks all the same.--

Happy Noodle versus Sad Noodle...


Hey Nonnie Remix

Thankena-thank you
Do what we want
Thankena-thank you
Do what we want

We just wanna thank everybody
We just we just
We just wanna thank everybody

Thankena-thank you for makin us
Thankena-thank you for makin us

We can play these mellow and
Do what we want
We can play these mellow and
Do what we want

Hey nonnie nonnie nonnie ooo aaa

Silence!

These are some samples of my friends Ryan and Dominic from a show we played at the Phoenix Theater as a band called Nod in 1996.


How Was Your Day?

Hey, how's it going
Hey, how was your day
Hey, how's it going
Hey, go away!

Hey, what's that you got there?
Hey, it looks like a gun
Hey, I'm sorry I offended you
Hey, I'm gonna run!

Hey, gonna stop running now
Hey, gonna catch my breath
Hey, gonna be a man now
Hey, gonna meet my death

Do do do doooo! Cha!


Rockabye Baby

Boy, could I sing. I sang the alphabet, too. And I forgot the letter Z, so I said V again.


Fission or Fusion

Fission or fusion (4x)

Fission: a nuclear reaction in which a single atom dwindles in coherency and splits apart in an explosion (total degradation, particles in motion) with the evolution of about a hundred million electron volts of energy. So, you see that we have the capacity to cause a nuclear chain reaction in a fraction of the time it takes to blink your eye to annihilate a bit of our reality, and make way for the freedom of humanity. It's the conversion of matter to energy. MC squared must equal E.

CHORUS:
Lemme hear you say fission
Rock the house
Lemme hear you say fusion
Rock the house
Lemme hear you say fission
Rock the house
Lemme hear you say fusion
Rock the house

Fusion: from the Latin, fusio, which means a melting, of the protons and the neutrons of two atoms in an opposite reaction to the nuclear reaction called fission in that, instead of blowing apart, the atoms start to coalesce in the best way that they can and they slam into each other. (A microscopic mosh pit for the subatomic.) And they stick together and continue on forever indefinitely, releasing tons of energy, and the heat and the light of the land of the free, and blowing the hell out of our enemy.

CHORUS

Fission or fusion (4x)

I had already had a hit with the math song, "The Standard Metric System," and I have always been on a sort of Schoolhouse Rock/The Letter People/PBS-Funk kick. And who's gonna add in the part about using nuclear energy to blow up other countries? I am! Bill Nye, here's one for your eye!


Surfing in Hell

Surf!
What a way to spend eternity!
You surf now!
Toes to the nose on a wave of fire!

Hang four.

This was supposed to be an instrumental, but I fudged it all by putting lyrics into it. Silly me. Oh well, at least they're appropriate lyrics.


Alphabet Sound Check

ABCDEFG
HIJKLMNOP
QRS
TUV
WX
Y and Z
Now I know my ABC's
Next time won't you sing with me?
Right now!

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy and z
abcdefg
and 1 2 3 and 7, too!
hoo hoo hoo hoo
hoo hoo hoo hoo
chugga chugga
chugga chugga
choo choo train.

That's just what it is. I bought the new four-track in 1997 and I wanted to test the tracks. Aye, sing along everyone.


Not My Atom Bomb

I have never ever seen such a messed up
Crayon collection in my entire life
I have never ever been to the cave in the
Bottom of the valley of the mercenary mice
I have never ever heard of a bamboo corrector
With electrical apostrophes attached
I have never ever loved anybody with a fire
In my belley and a bellybutton match

CHORUS:
I cannot be counted on to return to my place of rest
I am not my atom bomb in an underwater test
I cannot be counted on to return to my place of rest
I am not my atom bomb

I have never ever been so alive that my
Palomino party couldn't figure up a storm
I have never ever fallen asleep at the wheel
Of the planet where the rest of us were born
I have never ever told anybody of the
Danger to the living of the living of the dead
I have never ever parted the waters in a
Corporate decision of the ruler of my head

CHORUS

I have never ever been to the south of France
With a woman named Maria any more
I have never ever spoken aloud in a cold
Insurrection of apology before
I have never ever lost my repression of the
Silver reflection of a switchblade knife
I have never ever seen such a messed-up
Crayon collection in my entire life

CHORUS

I am not my atom bomb
I am not my atom bomb
I am not my atom bomb
I am not my


Family First

By day, it's a legal operation
Uncle Enzo's Fish and Fries
It was a great day when we set out for this nation
And legitimate enterprise

But the place gets jumpin on a Saturday night
Got the minks got the drinks got the black and white
Got 21 stud got fine cigars
Got rich folks hoppin outta fancy cars
And we roll the bones til we're six feet down
And the fuzz don't talk 'cause we own the town
Life is grand for the open hand
'Cause we look out for family first

Doors close somewhere past eleven thirty
And the band begins to swing
Lord knows we get downright down and dirty
Cosa Nostra means we do Our Thing

But the place gets jumpin' on a Saturday night
Got the blackjack table and the colored lights
Got the big band playin' on the slide trombone
We're placin' our bets on the telephone
You got twenty on Lucky, seven come eleven
Don't apologize or you'll be forgiven
Gotta make real good on your solemn word
'Cause we look out for family first


Friends Like Bill

I have a two-dimensional friend, his name is Bill
He's my goodest, bestest friend in the world
I traded Bill for a baseball card
I wish I had more friends like him

CHORUS:
When you have friends like Bill
Nobody tells you what to do
Everybody steps aside and
Tells you you can just walk through
When you have friends like Bill
Everything is absolutely
Running like clockwork
When you have friends like

I have a three-dimensional friend, his name is Lou
He's the smartest guy I know in the world
He has a plan to get a lot of friends like bill
He pulls the trigger and everybody gets on the floor

CHORUS

Now Lou and I have so many friends like Bill
We don't know where to go; we're in a hurry, you see
Maybe we'll take our brand-new buddies
On a roadtrip down to beautiful Mexico

(Dos cervezas y la cuenta, por favor!)

CHORUS

CHORUS

Can you guess what this song is about? If I had more friends like Bill, I'd get a Rhythm King drum machine from the 70's, just like the one I borrowed from Andrew Dragonetti to do this drum track.


Ding Dong (Whatever!)

ACT ONE:

Ding dong!
Whatever.

ACT TWO:

When you're born you can't move at all
Then you learn to crawl
(on your hands and knees)
Then you learn to walk when you're one
Then perhaps you learn to run
Then you learn to drive a car
You learn that it takes you very far
But you learn too late
There's no escape
Except death

ACT THREE:

I'm the oldest man on earth
I'm older than that tree
I'm older than my mother
And her mother before she
I'm older than the doctor
Who delivered grandpa's dad
I've outlived everyone I've met
Since I was just a lad
Ol' Moses was my bowlin' partner
He bowled pretty well
But I'm still alive and kickin'
And he's burnin' down in hell
My life has been a good one
But it's been a bit too long
So I think I'll kill myself right now.

ACT FOUR:

I don't like what you just said.
It was quite offensive.

ACT FIVE:

The sun is shining in the sky
Life is grand and I don't know why
The biscuits were good, the toast was divine
But just shy of bundt cake is where I draw the line
Oh how I love you, you beautiful girl
If I loved you more I'd probably hurl
Your love is so sweet like blackberry jam
Perhaps if I spoke up you'd know who I am

ACT SIX:

I don't think he deserves to go to
that place where the good dogs go
cause I don't like my neighbor's dog
he smells real bad and he went to the
bathroom on my front lawn the other day
and I kicked him in his head!

I am the president of the ASPCA and I don't
like my neighbor's dog cause he wants to
sue me now that I kicked him in the head.

My neighbor is a lawyer and he taught his dog
to read.

Stupid.

ACT SEVEN:

I love you so much, baby.

Ding dong.

I had about five little ideas for songs that I couldn't work out, so I stuck 'em all up in there together like a big leftovers meatloaf. Recorded in 1998, released later that year on I Would Be a Biggest Octopus, my second cassette release.


Farting Angel

This afternoon I coughed up green things
I danced around and no one would come near me
I wondered how long I'd have to fan the air
I felt a hot wind from my anus
In a small room, no one came to save us
And I turned the fan on to no avail

Farting Angel come pick my nose and
Smack your butt with a rubber hose and
Farting Angel come pass your gas
And dissipate into a warm, stinky cloud

Alone and shivering in the bathrooaaaahhh!!


Voy a la Playa

Owen and I recorded this as the background music for an answering machine message wherein I pretended to be the manager of Voy a la Playa, The Finest in Non-Denominational Cuisine. We didn't get any messages as long as it was up. People probably thought they had the wrong number.


Some Fish!

I still remember the Palo Alto Junior Museum. There really were some fish there! No joke! It's true!


Wash My Hands

It's a bad joke anyway.


The Three-Legged Horse

I bought me a three-legged packhorse
He hobbles and stumbles around
I wonder what I was a-drinkin'
When I dragged him back home from town

CHORUS:
The three-legged horse
I don't know why I buyed him
You can lead him to water
But you can't make him drown
The three-legged horse
It's no fun to ride him
He walks in a circle
And then he falls down

He may not be bright, but he's loyal
He won't fall on anyone but me
Like the legs on a minimalist table
There used to be four, now there's--one less than that.

CHORUS


Mrs. Fenway

CHORUS:
Mrs. Fenway, me oh my
Why'd you have to go and die?
Now we have to say goodbye to
Mrs. Fenway, Mrs. Fenway

The first Mrs. Fenway went to the store
Said she'd be back at three or four
Got her head caught in the sliding door
Now she's not Mrs. Fenway no more

CHORUS

The second Mrs. Fenway stub her toe
At the moving picture show
She stumble out into the snow
Now she help the flowers grow

CHORUS

The third Mrs. Fenway was very fat
Made the ground shake when she sat
She bend over to pet the cat
And her buttissimo squash her flat
Oh no

CHORUS

The fourth Mrs. Fenway write her will
And she take the sleeping pill
Then she jump from the window sill
And she land in the rumor mill

CHORUS

The last Mrs. Fenway stayed at home
She was too afraid to roam
Mr. Fenway fuss and foam
When she choke on the telephone

CHORUS

Based on the band name, "The Second Mrs. Fenway." Which is a bad band name, I know. But it's a good song title. The whole thing came to me in a flash in my car, which blinded me and caused me to run into the sixth Mrs. Fenway. If only I had known who she was at the time. Tsk, tsk, tsk.


My Number is F'Jini

My hat is large
My pants are big
My shirt is yellow
My clothes don't fit

My cat is large
My pants fall down
My telephone is ringing
My head is yellow

My number is fff'jineee...


Unshake It

I wonder if the earthquake would knock on the door, or what.


Captain Pete's Slide Show

I like that Captain Pete knows how to crochet a placemat.


The Death of Sid Sheinberg

Sid Sheinberg is one of my recurring characters. He is the consummate bad old lounge singer. This is the story of his latest death and his latest meeting with Satan.